I watched 'Top Gun’ for the first time on its 30th anniversary. Here's what it was like.

Masculinity in the movies of the 1980s is interesting. A hyper-masculinity not en vogue today. Confident and swaggering, but still not suspicious of the camaraderie of men, Top Gun felt like it had a lot to say about '80s masculinity.

Maybe Tom Cruise was the forerunner of a new kind of action man. Or maybe I'm just reading too much into his untamable eyebrows.

Anyways, I watched Top Gun for the first time on it's 30th anniversary ^[1]. Here's what it was like.

The movie opens with a short textual explanation about Navy fighter pilots and somewhat artsy shots of Naval aircrafts in the sunset that gets immediately injected with adrenaline by Danger Zone. This is what I'm here for. Nothing says '80s movie more than starting with a montage.

Seven minutes in, and so far there's lots of sweat and motion sickness.

So Maverick (of course Tom Cruise is Maverick -- it's almost like he was code-named Maverick because he's a hotshot rebel with a heart of gold) only gets into his dream school Top Gun by chance because Cougar had a mental crisis. The plot motivators are a little weak, but not the lines of dialogue: "Your ego is writing checks your body can't cash." I wish I was an aggravated Navy commander so I could spit golden burns like these.

14 minutes: Is this entire soundtrack just Danger Zone hundreds of times? We get it, Tom Cruise is dangerous.

16 minutes: I know that this movie is going really hard for machismo, but is it just me or does everything sound like innuendo? Plus there's just a lot of glowering going on between Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer that I know is supposed to be intimidating and territorial but it all looks so lustful.

22 minutes: Oh my god, karaoke pick-up lines.

I'm digging Charlotte, especially her glam hair and nonchalant attitude towards Tom Cruise because, let's face it, he deserves to get knocked down a peg for introducing himself as Maverick. And he follows this rejection by … following her into the ladies room. And she's not freaked out. Cool. This is Pat McCrory's worst nightmare.

26 minutes: WOW WHAT A SURPRISE SHE'S THE TEACHER. Maverick and Charlie (because she's got to have a manly name to establish her worth in this testosterone-driven movie) clash over MIGs, sparks fly, and I already know where this romance is going. I only hope Danger Zone starts blasting every time they're in a room together too.

34 minutes: Maverick and Goose get called into the office for breaking the rules in their first training session, possibly endangering lives with their reckless flyby. Val Kilmer a.k.a. Iceman (a WAY better codename than Maverick, just saying) tells Tom Cruise that he is a danger to others. No Danger Zone? I'm disappointed.

35 minutes: "I want some butts!" Does this movie … know…?

37 minutes: "I flew with his old man," Viper reveals. Maverick is a maverick with a past and daddy issues. But that's okay, because there's probably a dark and tortured reason for his wild card ways. Cue Danger Zone.

39 minutes: There's an obstacle to the love between a pretty white woman and a pretty white man! She doesn't date students — which doesn't turn out to be much of an obstacle in the first place. Tom Cruise says, "I can see that it's dangerous for you." Tattoo the lyrics to Danger Zone on my eyelids.

41 minutes: Slow-motion shirtless volleyball is by far the manliest thing I've ever seen.

44 minutes: "You always get what you want?" It's because she's a powerful career woman and he's a brusque hothead! It's a match made in heaven.

47 minutes: Maverick opens up about his infamous father, who apparently disappeared while flying á la Amelia Earhart. More tension between Tom Cruise and Charlie with the good hair. Oh and now Take My Breath Away is playing. Maybe they just play each song twice.

49 minutes: Seeing pre-America's sweetheart Meg Ryan in bleach blonde hair is disconcerting and weird and I don't like it. But look how much she humanizes Goose so that we love him and would totally feel sad if he wasn't in this movie anymore.

52 minutes: Wow, Tom Cruise is being a little brat. Of course the only way these two would get together is if he threw a fit in class and almost caused a car crash. Cool, this is now the karaoke version of Take My Breath Away.

55 minutes: The need for speed scene!

1 hour: Awe man, Tom Cruise screws up for the first time. It must be because there's a woman now and he's distracted! Love makes you do crazy things.

1 hour, 5 minutes: Dang this soundtrack is amazing. Also the count number for Danger Zone is now 3.

1 hour, 8 minutes: NO, GOOSE! Maverick's hotheaded ways finally catch up to him and his RIO Goose is killed. Everyone tries to console him, from chief instructor Viper, to Charlie — with even Ice Man thawing a bit to give him his condolences. But Maverick's survivor's guilt doesn't even fade with his absolvement of fault by the court. Okay, now I'm getting teary-eyed at this point.

1 hour, 20 minutes: Maverick is really alone now. Regretting that code name now, aren't you? Oh no, I regret writing that. I'm sorry Tom Cruise, don't cry.

1 hour, 23 minutes: Time for some grizzled wisdom! Father figure/instructor Viper tells Maverick how he flew with his dad and that he's better than his father. And that classified info about his father's death? He saved a bunch of people and the government covered it up. There goes my Ring of Fire conspiracy theory.

1 hour, 27 minutes: Maverick decides to graduate last minute, and they all get shipped off immediately to aid in a rescue mission across enemy waters. While grizzled father figure Viper gives his support to Maverick, Ice Man reasonably expresses doubt over Maverick being in the mission. Wow, that sentence makes almost no sense. It's like I'm writing about B-list superheroes or failed G.I. Joes.

1 hour, 40 minutes: Tom Cruise pulls through, and now there's a power rock chord and a bunch of cheering Navy men to congratulate him! This is so triumphant and optimistic. "You can be my wingman anytime." SAME, VAL KILMER.

Maverick finally lets go of Goose over the sounds of those triumphant rock chords, and Charlie returns to him over the jukebox sounds of You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'. Now Tom Cruise is no longer a maverick and he just wants to teach and nurture people. I feel like there's a really great message about how that's a subversion of how the typical ice queen female character learns to be more nurturing and familial but at the moment all I have is Danger Zone stuck in my head.